A topic I discuss quite often is how many guns do you need? For the answer to this question today I am only going to focus on guns. The details of ammunition, accessories and hunting supplies are just too complicated for this beginners lesson on the math to use to know many guns you truly do need.

Begin with the question- are you married? Because if you’re lucky enough (or unlucky enough depending how you see it) to be married then the proper mathematical equation is to divide the number you think you need by two (since there are two of you in the relationship of course).

On the other hand, if you’re single this number is instead multiplied. You need to attract a partner correct? And everyone knows the way to attract a suitable partner is to tease them with your assets, which would predominately be your extensive collection of guns. Every first date should include a gun, impress them with the size of your collection and how well you can use them. Adding more guns during the initial dating period shows your potential partner you are able to provide both with the ability to purchase the gun and with the sustenance you bring home using it. Once you are sure that you have found the perfect catch in a partner it is time to go out and get that little, expensive, shiny gift for their hand to seal the deal- I highly recommend a revolver.

Now fast forward a few years and you may find yourself with some extra little feet running around your home (that’s the scientific proof that your gun collection you had when you were single was just right and was successful in attracting that partner you were looking for). First you need your own guns which they are not allowed to touch of course, they’re yours and the little ones could get gubers on them. So for each offspring you have you need to add one more gun. And as they grow they will need to add another one of a larger size and caliber and on and on until they are fully grown. If you’re truly lucky like me, and have multiple little gun enthusiasts, this means a lot of additions.

There are two main times when subtraction to the equation happens. Firstly, subtraction begins to happen around the time your children reach the ages of 18-25. This happens in the form of “Dad (or mom as it will be in my case) I need a…… to kill a……”. This doesn’t really ever end from my experience and the term “borrow” doesn’t mean what you think it does. Borrowing means you’re never going to see that gun again. Secondly there is also the subtraction that happens if that spouse that you attracted doesn’t happen to be the right one. I suggest you give them everything else and hold on to your guns, but in the case that doesn’t work the math is simply mindboggling to calculate and would make everyone shake with fear.

So here ends the simple less on division, multiplication, addition and subtraction when it comes to how many guns do you need. Further advanced gun math lessons include: the multiplication of guns when no one knows how it happened, methods to disguise such multiplication and trading in of similar looking guns to get new ones to ensure that the mathematical gun count does not change.